• twins AF

FANTASTIC FOUR (2005)

hopscotchee: hamish linklater score: 41 rating: pg-13 time: 106 minutes

for two superhero-obsessed nerds, does it really surprise you that we included the 2005 fantastic four movie into batch three?? even if that weren't the case, we are bias-ly attached to this two-film franchise, because it partially took up our childhood. now, when we say "partially", we mean we were only allowed to watch the sequel, since that was not rated pg-13. and although this was not the first time we witnessed the origin-story establisher, we were very much thrilled to re-watch and analyze it with you. however, unfortunately for both of us, this piece of nostalgia was not the finest piece to witness....


it's clobberin' time!! the first thing we must break down happens to be the acting. according to our mom, michael chiklis (who portrays ben grimm aka the thing) was a "big actor" back then, and our grandma was apparently "obsessed" with him. that fact about our grandma alone is hard to imagine but, looking at this film, his 'great' acting also doesn't translate. to his credit, it wasn't just michael who had trouble with his adaptation. it appeared the entire team struggled to put in the fantastic in their lineup of powers. granted, maybe they weren't comfortable with the cgi yet, but it was just awkward for the viewer to watch them slowly lunge forward or kid-ishly yell "woah!" to activate. equally so, we acknowledge how acting subtly evolves over time until you look back 20 years and realize how far it's come. we take into consideration the early 2000ness of this and give it a bit of slack, but even back then michael chiklis' mouth breathing when he says (spoiler) "😮 he does the talking, 😮 i do the walking 😮" wasn't cool. we can also see this with chris evans' acting. he has definitely evolved and become a stronger actor, but that doesn't take away the fact that his johnny storm was a tad overdone. those are just the breaks. but speaking about johnny....



the coolest thing about this movie was the dope-ass, swagger music that cued in for johnny storm. in today's superhero films, it's common for it to be primarily score. sure the latest thor movie (thor: love and thunder) played a clip of ciara's hit: "goodies" which was awesome, and this was also a major exception for birds of prey and the fantabulous emancipation of one harley quinn that had a hit-packed soundtrack. but, in general, superhero movies today don't include much to bob your head along too. in the case of fantastic four, we thank its 2005 release date for that. right out of the get-go, we get to listen to some early 2000s alternative punk song that takes us to another universe when it come to these typical films. and we will just say it was mega refreshing. although some prefer the score to do so, adding in lyrical music with base drums can really add an epic, badass heroism to the characterization of the characters. and in this film, added characterization was important.


speaking about that, there was nothing more torched than the fantastic four's script. boy, was it just rough!! it came together enough to include a nice enough origin story for the audience (although missing a bit of the established relationship dynamics), but it seemed to deteriorate after that - faster than johnny's clothes!! the one liners were rough and meaningless to the story. it was like the writer scripted them with the intention of going over their first draft but left them bland and expressionless. they filled the room of the scene but not its point, leaving the viewer thinking "was that the best they got??" 😖 by the end, your brain was ready for it to be over, not wanting to take another boringly offensive line. in essence, it was overall pretty sad that the script lacked substance and plot when the film was based off of many comics.


obviously, this was not the movie we thought it was going be, and we now understand why our parents didn't let us watch it. possibly because it was (to be in the early 2000s spirit) 'sucky'. HONESTLY!! the team (spoiler) didn't even get rid of doctor doom?! the end teased that he was unthawing on the shipping boat. so, not only did they poorly come together at the end, but they just pended the threat!! that's not really something to celebrate about....


hopefully 🙏 the second movie is what we remember it to be and not a sad flop like this one. it would be really sad for us to realize that we spent a chunk of our childhood watching a crap film for aspiring filmmakers.


-- thanks, hamish xo




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