hopscotchee: kerry washington score: 39.5 rating: pg time: 92 minutes
second times a charm, right?? we couldn't watch the first film and pass up on its sequel. that would just be rude, right?? so call it film critic integrity or our own downfall, but, yes, we decided to stick it through yet another one of mark frost's screenplay creations. yippee, right!! despite the fact that we watched fantastic 4: rise of the silver surfer on many, many occasions as young childs,
this rewatch led us to realize and question why the film was dubbed a pg rating. even if they changed strippers to "exotic dancers" and had conversations about s-e-x by using weird clicking noises instead of outright saying "sex", it felt like the production downgraded the rating to widen the audience in hopes for a larger success, but failed to bring anything to the table. because, at that point, keep the rating the same and maybe it would've given more to the plot than a lackluster, tiptoed-around continuation.
from the first second after the speedy beginning title credits, the viewers are thrown for a loop when they meet jessica alba's eyes. noticeable from the two year gap that was in-between the first film and this one, the makeup and costume department gave her contacts!! on one hand, the blue eyes fit the original sue storm comic character description, however was it that big of a problem to change NOW?? and they tried to make the transition more natural by giving her some light eyeshadow work, but it doesn't help when you've put her in ice blue contacts. her eyes are practically popping out of the screen. it's intense. another annoyance we found in this department was with the consistency of sue storm's hair pre and post fights. before and during combat her hair falls off her shoulders in a nice, wavy way, but, when we cut to her regrouped afterwards, the hair department decided it 'made sense' to give her full curls?! we don't know why all the uh-ohs fell on jessica's side, but we assure you we are not trying to directly go after her. we grew up with all the honest company goods and loved her in tay tay's (taylor swift's ) "bad blood" music video as domino. and you all know how much we LOVE music videos (click here if you don't), so we respect her very much and want to emphasize that we are not hating on her, we are politely disagreeing with the makeup, costume, and hair teams on this movie.
catching our next wave of disgust was the plot. or lack there of. to be fair, we aren't going to torch this movie in a roast. for the sake of keeping this review tidy and concise, we will just be looking over johnny's "power problems" storyline. a part of the film's concept, the arrival of the silver surfer led to an encounter with johnny (the human torch) and thus led to what was called johnny's power problems. this caused him to (spoiler) switch powers with any of the members whenever he touched one of them. this also always seemed to happen in inconvenient circumstances, obviously giving the plot conflict, and was put back in order whenever he touched whoever he swapped with. so, reader, you tell us how at the big battle in the end (spoiler) johnny touches all of them to gain his teammates' powers but ONLY touches ben grimm (the rock) to return ALL of their powers back?? was it to cut back on time?? if so, we need to have a serious talk about the extra long lingering after stupid one liners.
and if that wasn't enough, let's unpack the final blow in the film's last fight scene. although the outline was practically the inspiration or 2007 version of the ending from 2016's doctor strange with the scene taking place at night on a brightly lit street in china with civilians running away as the noble heroes take on the threat in the sky, there was one clear difference. and that was the stupidity around (spoiler) the invisible woman's death scare. after she's impelled through the heart, she lies in the arms of her fiancé and still continues to talk to her team fully coherent and without any short of breathe!! this isn't the first movie that fails on the realism around a medical condition or injury, but this one was for sure the harsh-est to be witnessed. for a team of scientists and "good little nerds", we expected better.
conclusion: mr. fantastic was a complete douche and awful fiancé. this version of sue and reed do not make a cute couple like they do in the comics 👰♀️🤵♂️🚫!! the only epic moment in this film was the unveiling of what the silver surfer looks like - or when they decided to play eve's "tambourine" during the cringe-fest that was reed richard's bachelor party. it was possibly the only thing that made that scene worth watching, but even then asking to keep our eyes open was a hefty ask. therefore fantastic 4: rise of the silver surfer gives us perspective on how far movies have come and have definitely improved over the years, but, throughout the 92 minutes, there was no silver lining.
-- thanks, kerry xo